Our Secret Place

Perspective is a funny thing. When I actually take a step back and realize how the pieces of the past 6 weeks have slowly fit together, I totally become very aware of how small I truly am in the big scheme of things. The Lord has been so faithful, whispering in my ear that my promise is coming. Showing Himself to me in ways that if I was too busy to pay attention or would not be still and quiet long enough to hear his voice then I would miss it completely. Where to begin? I had about 5 posts waiting for me to pour into a story of some sort, so I decided to just throw it all together. It's a very log post that I probably should have broken up into little pieces, but I rarely ever get on a rant, so why not combine it all at once for those that want move on. My blogging these days has been sparse if any, so might as well just get it all out there before 2010 rolls around.

Back in August I went to my ob-gyn because I just didn't feel right. Something had been off all summer with me physically, and I was curious to see what was up. So he had me get some blood work and suggested I do a saliva test. A what? Yes, I had to spit in a vial for 30 minutes right after waking up one morning, freeze that hard-to-produce saliva, and send it off. I kept explaining to the pharmacy where I had to purchase it from that I wore a retainer and a night guard at night. Did they realize that I was a mouthbreather and had the driest mouth in the morning? I'm sure the sweet girl ringing me up was nicely saying to get over myself, skip one night without wearing my retainer, change the sheets on my bed and not put on any products on my face so no other traces of hormones would be present. I was so annoyed and a little perplexed (especially since my insurance didn't cover saliva tests), but I obeyed and sent everything off for testing.

Of course, as always, the blood work came back normal - always does. I then received my saliva tests results back and noticed only a few, very small, discrepancies. The pharmacy sent the results to my doctor and I figured that was all she wrote. Nothing wrong with me, as always. Then one day I get this phone call from a woman who said my doctor had referred me to her and she wanted to get together to go over my saliva test results. She was not covered by my insurance (see a trend here?), but I could pay $150 out-of-pocket for a consultation. She went so far as to call herself the "hormone whisperer". I couldn't hold back - I totally laughed at her on the phone. I told her that wasn't really my thing, and I didn't think my results showed much of anything off of the normal spectrum. After talking with Derek, who encouraged me to try her out, I made an appointment for my first day of Mother's Day Out. That treasured first day of freedom and she got that day. What a scam!

Here's the crazy thing about this so called "scam" that I kept laughing at - I have never learned so much about my body in an hour and half in my entire life. Me, the science major, totally had my mouth literally dropped open the entire talk. So the gist of it was this - my progesterone levels (we'll call them P for laziness sake the rest of this post) were so low that even if I were to get pregnant, I would never be able to carry a baby. I would miscarry immediately. My cortisol (C) levels were too high, which is just a hormone from my adrenal stresser glands that help with the balance of everything. Because the C levels were too high, in turn my thyroid gland (T) was shutting off and not working. And P, C, & T hormones are the three big hormones that affect infertility in your own body. Which all in turn made my testosterone levels get higher, and the side effects are gaining weight in the middle with bloating and irritability and moodiness. Which was why I went in - I had gained an uncomfortableness in my middle for months, to the point that I wasn't sleeping well, always felt bad, and couldn't wear most of my pants or shorts. Fascinating, to say the least.

Symptoms I had had right after having Justin, such as night sweats for 8 months, pain in strange areas, not being able to sleep well at night even though I was exhausted, feeling like I couldn't make it after lunch until bedtime because I had no energy, fluid retention, mood swings, headaches (and migraines for some), was all due to my low P levels. You have to be kidding me! Your body stores the high P levels in your placenta when you are pregnant, and then we birth out the placenta and your body is left with no P. And P hormones are the "take the edge off" hormone - that are the "happy" hormone. And I basically didn't have any of it. My body hasn't done a good job of making it ever since having Justin 3 years ago - symptom after symptom that I went over with this "hormone whisperer" all attributed to this. Stunned with this new knowledge, I asked why there seems to be an epidemic of girls also struggling with low levels of P. So many friends struggling with those levels even during a pregnancy. First off, when we are on birth control pills, w don't make P, the sloughing hormone necessary for getting pregnant. Some girls, when they get off the pill, don't make the P because their body doesn't remember how to. The plastic water bottle phenomenon of maybe the bottle getting warm on the truck delivering the bottles or they are sitting in our hot car, as well as heating up plastics in the microwave, are sent into our body and our tissues ingest the plastics instead of the hormones that I could be producing, such as my P one. And also the hormones in meats that we eat - same thing, our body tissues ingest those instead of the ones we are making. So you better believe that I no longer drink out of plastic water bottles, have gotten rid of all our plastic storage containers that I used to put in the microwave and replaced them with glass ones, and am careful to buy organic meats. I used to roll my eyes at all this, but if I could that easily help my body get to normal vs. paying the big bucks to do fertility (which I still didn't feel the push to do yet), then why not.

She also talked about my diet. Apparently my glass of milk every morning as well as the whole grain, high fiber and high protein Eggo waffle were sending my C levels even higher, shutting down my T even more, making the testosterone get higher, and disbanding my P levels all together. She suggested I cut out dairy, since it's nothing like it used to be when I was a kid, lay off the whole wheat and try and be somewhat gluten-free. Are you kidding me? My whole life the whole wheat and dairy phenomenon has been ingrained in my head. I had already been exposed to gluten free by my buddy Ashley and by my friend Jen who had told me about this book, Eat Right for your Type. I somewhat had blown her off because I am not into fad diets and don't like jumping on the bandwagon. But the book tells you what to eat according to your blood type, which mine was A. Apparently Type A blood has the most sensitive stomach to certain foods, and most of what I had been eating was explained in the book as to turning acidic in my muscle tissues. So I taken it in moderation, and I have felt so much better. I used to go out-to-eat with friends, etc. and would come home knowing I would be up all night running to the bathroom to rid myself of an upset stomach. Food would shoot right through me, I wouldn't sleep, and would feel miserable all the next day. Not fun a all! Excluding two incidents this week where I had a repeat since I had indulged in some creamy, cheesy foods, I have never felt better.

Back to my hormone whisperer (aka my Wellness and Compounding Consultant). She used to work for this prestigious clinic here in Houston called the Hotze Clinic that apparently everyone but myself had heard of. My lady left after working here for 7 years to start on her own after watching people who needed the consuls and couldn't afford the very pricey overhead price walk away. Since then, I have met so many people that went to this clinic for a holistic approach to hormone balance. I have given out my lady's info to so many people, including pre-menopausal women who say their thyroid meds are not doing the trick. I tell them my story, how my thyroid is messed up but I am on something completely different, and they call my consultant that week. She has put me on compound progesterone cream and a natural cortisol pill that will lower my C levels. And get this - you get P naturally in wild yams, or sweet potatoes. Just like we get estrogen naturally through soy products (so mommas with little boys, watch out with the soy formula, milk, etc since those fellas are getting pumped with female hormones, causing these boys to grow up somewhat gender confused). So you better believe I am trying to eat my weight in sweet potatoes these days, since yams are hard to come by. Most yams in the US are actually sweet potatoes. I eat sweet potato fries and Terra brand sweet potato chips all the time, since mushy sweet potatoes make me sick to my stomach. Back to the compound P - you only ingest 1/5 of the P in a pill, so the cream is a lower dosage that is more effective in getting in into my blood stream. I am getting my saliva tested in a few months to check on the levels of my P, C, & T. I feel so optimistic, like I am turning a corner on my body out of sorts for quite some time. This is my second month of being on the compound P, which only 6 pharmacies in Houston will make for me, and I already feel better and saw a huge difference in my cycle last month. Encouragement is on the rise!






That was a lot but on to the next part of the very long story. I was driving back from the Anne Graham Lotts revival in Waco, the weekend after my hormone consult, and was trying to relax with the constant rain that had been beating down on my car. What seemed like out of nowhere, I became fixated on a rainbow that didn't curve much and was like a straight vertical line. In that short moment, I would feel the Lord whispering to me that my promise was coming. Don't give up hope, because He had not given up on me. And just as quickly as the rainbow seemed to appear, it vanished. One hour later, when I was talking to my old college roomie about her 3rd pregnancy, which had caught her off guard, I started to slump into my self-pitiness again. Once again, a rainbow out of nowhere appeared, and I felt that same peacefulness of the Holy Spirit assuring me of the promise still to come.

I have been relating to Abraham a lot recently. He is everywhere in my quiet times, my memory verses, and my book by Anne Graham Lotts called the Magnificent Obsession. It's the story of his life, and how God "has chosen him, so that he would direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD, by doing what was right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him" (Gen 18:19). I feel like the Lord is reminding that He kept His promise to Abraham, even though it didn't occur on Abraham's timetable.




Then I started Beth Moore's current study of Revelation. I am going with half of the biblestudy group from this summer that I hosted at my house, some of which have never been in a Beth Moore study, much less any study. She has challenged us to notice when God reveals himself to us everyday so that we will sit back in awe and say,"Wow, my God has been faithful to me!" Are we women that can be entrusted with a revelation? Are we living our lives as such to where we are walking "in the spirit" when no one else is looking (Rev 1:10), as John was? What God says will happen will absolutely happen. Righteousness matters! Let me just say that this series that she has been taping starts mailing out in January. The most unbelievable study of hers that I have ever done. When you hear of a church doing this nearby sometime soon, you run to sign your name up and get your childcare spot. This is not a study on end-time events, but on the book of Revelation. I am all up in this since I truly feel an urgency in my life that I cannot explain - almost like time is short, and in what sense I can't explain.


Last little story of perspective and then I think I need to go get treated for carpal tunnel after this. Last weekend my sweet husband blessed me with a weekend alone. He had told me in September that he would like to take Justin to Waco for a weekend and leave me at the house to do whatever I pleased. We left ole Daddy at home lots this summer with our weekday travels, and he wanted to return the favor.

So what on earth would I do? Derek suggested I go to dinner and the movies with friends, get a pedicure, read a book or watch movies at home all weekend. But this girl made a huge to-do list of things that had been haunting me, like Justin's baby book (he's three for crying out loud and I had barely even started it), cleaning out closets, ordering the last year and a half's worth of photos to put in photo albums, etc. I think Derek was somewhat saddened by what I was choosing to do - it didn't sound "fun". But when they rolled out of town that Friday, I put my PJs on at 3pm, downloaded the new David Crowder CD Church Music, and started to work on the baby book. I would put this on the top of every weekly to-do list for the last year. I needed to put some closure on this dreaded chore.

Here I was planning on working my tail off all weekend. As I started putting the memorabilia and sentence fragments down on paper, and the tunes of the Crowder CD started to fill my mind, I found myself having a tearful encounter all alone in my house. i remembered how much I just took everything for granted when I first had Justin. That first year of motherhood was filled with memories of a mad, bratty, self-entitled woman. I needed my sleep, and I needed Derek home from work right now, and when can I just get away to have some alone time?

I found myself in that moment of remembering, and wondering, if I would ever hold in my arms an infant that was mine, that I would not take things for granted next time. I had been wanting to start a prayer journal in the last month but had never taken the time. I started right then and there just journaling my pain as I was crying out to God that, through His strength, I would be different next time. That I just needed this weekend, with my son already 3 years old, to realize how different I would be. Now before you moms of many kids scoff at me saying there will be hard times, I know all this. I am just talking about my self-righteous attitude that I had going on, along with my apparent lack of progesterone, made me a miserable person to be around.

The song All Around Me in the Church Music CD still makes me get choked up with emotion (one of the many songs that does this to me on this compilation of songs) has this part that gives me chills:

My hands float up above me
And You whisper You love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with You



Now I did get all of the the closets cleaned out, drawers that needed organizing, and the house cleaned up. But most importantly I ended up having a quiet weekend with the Lord, having sweet time with Him without even seeing it coming. I was in "our secret place...alone with Him". I needed that weekend, both in getting my to-do list done and in having some fellowship and being still in the Lord. I am still doing my prayer journal every morning with my quiet time - it really helps with my focus and specific areas of prayer and repentance.

That's it in a nutshell. The Lord is revealing Himself to me in this season of life. I am much more joy-filled, and trying to pull away from the wanting and desires that my worldy flesh just craves. I can't imagine turning back, and just pray daily for protection from an Enemy that does not like this closeness that I am feeling.

I leave with a quote from my pastor that I took with me from our service this morning: Victory over temptation is found in saying, "That's not what I want and that's not who I am anymore!"